Aging and such...
I'm just starting to find myself thinking about life issues I've never really thought about before. I used to think I didn't want children, and I'm still not sure, but I'm thinking about children and what it would be like to be a father more and more lately. Even what it would be like to serve as a foster parent.
I think that may be the oddest part for me. I didn't have the best childhood, which used to make me not want to raise children. I was terrified I'd be exactly like my parents. Now, I'm not saying that I'm totally over that fear. What I am thinking, though, is that because of my experience, I might be able to give another child who has had a rough time of it something more...especially because of my experience.
It's kind of weird. All this started happening right after I graduated from Harvard. And then I ask myself, was it my graduation from Harvard or is it the fact that I have a real job now? Or is it the fact that I've had to switch from being a student to becoming an advisor of students. I mean, my job is requiring me to be much, much more adultlike than I've ever had to before.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't feel like I have a home right now. I've been in my job and my new town for about five months right now, and the town most definitely does not feel like home at this point. It's hard being on a college campus when you're basically the only one starting new.
This wasn't the case when I was a student. As a student you always start the year off with a group of fellow students who are new, and this allows you to bond over that experience and create friendships. This isn't the case with my job. I'm the new person...the only new person. No one to bond with over the same experiences.
And I'm not a student...I'm not one of the "guys," in fact, I'm now one of "them." I don't think I ever consider the consequences of becoming one of "them." I'm totally by myself.
This was exacerbated this weekend while I was taking a group of students to a conference at Dartmouth.
I was never particularly fond of Boston, though I think this had a lot to do with my experiences at Harvard Divinity School which skewed my perception of Boston.
But, this weekend as I was driving in New Hampshire, I felt a soft spot in my heart for...get this...Shaw's Supermarket. It made me think of Boston and my friends there. Not quite home, but more of a home than my current situation. I mean I had all these disconcerting emotions over a grocery store? It was more than weird.
Anyway, I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm in a period of transition and it's a transition I'm not quite sure what to think. In some ways I think it is really good, and in some ways I think it is causing me to miss other things I should be taking note of.
I don't know...I guess I'm just venting...thanks for listening.